I’ve been a little MIA when it comes to my personal posts.
I use to blog several times a week. In some cases it was every day. It was therapeutic and sort of a little time capsule for what was going on in my world at that time. I talked about my business, I shared the images I had created, and A LOT about my personal life including my kids and my marriage. Sometimes I got REALLY vulnerable. I shared my insecurities with my weight-loss, the struggle growing up in poverty and how I was trying so very hard to change some of those generational cycles. Just by allowing my guard down, I connected with many of you. I created SO MANY relationships and friendships thru the years just because of that blog…and if I’m being honest, I miss that.
I slowly started to blog less and less as things in my personal life started to fall apart. On the outside and in social media it appeared just fine, but on the inside, well….it was rough. You see, there’s this fine line you walk in any relationship when it comes to social media. You don’t share your “dirty laundry” with the world. You don’t talk about “sad or depressing things”, and in an effort to keep our issues private (like a marriage should) , I never talked or shared that part of my life in my blogs or in my friendships. The issues were kept within the marriage. In some ways, I became a victim of my privacy. When everyone else around me was shocked that my marriage had failed- I wasn’t surprised, not even a little bit. Then again, how would they have known, I kept that part of my life super private. Living in a small town and going thru a life altering event such as this…well hold on, get a good grip because let me tell ya…it’s a ride.
You know what, I successfully ran my business while I was emotionally in the trenches. I was creating images for other families while mine felt like it was crumbling and I documented the happiest moments of people’s lives at weddings when mine was ending…and I knocked it out of the park and did it with a smile on my face because I genuinely love what I do. I took a little step back from blogging, mostly because I was afraid to show up as a failure. I think subconsciously, I thought: “Why would anyone hire me to photograph their wedding when my own marriage had failed?”. I know now, that is a ridiculous way of thinking! As a matter of fact, some of the most supportive people thru all of this has been some of my clients. Clients that I had formed relationships with and connected with BECAUSE I had shared the “not so perfect” parts of my life. One of them said to me: “Jen, you’re a real person who has been thru some REAL shit just like many of us have. I hired you because being in front the camera is a vulnerable thing- especially when you have insecurities. Because you were able to be vulnerable with us, it made me feel comfortable being vulnerable with you and that’s why we love your images, you bring out the best qualities in people because they “let you in”. “
I’ve learned so much about myself over the past year. I’ve been going to therapy, reading books about personal growth, I have formed new and healthy relationships… and traveling sure helps! haha! I learned to sit thru the pain, I learned to ask for help when I need it. And I learned to look for the relationships that are willing to come on to the field WITH ME instead of the ones eating their popcorn in the bleachers. We all need more friends that will get on the field WITH us.
They say, you either repel or attract people thru your words/experiences. So if this experience repels certain people from working with me, I guess they just weren’t my target clients after all! But, I have a feeling that was never the case! You guys have been so amazing!
Here’s to being vulnerable again and sharing parts of the new chapter of my life! <3 MWAH!
